How to stay off the 24-hour news channels

How to stay off the 24-hour news channels

Advice to politicians on how to avoid having an embarrassing clip of you showed over and over on the 24-hour news channels (and Jon Stewart and Colbert and YouTube and…)

1. Do not mention historical figures at any time for any reason.  Do not mention former Presidents or dictators or heroes or cartoon characters.

2. Don’t threaten to shoot, hang, or otherwise do bodily harm to any other public figure. 

3. It is THE Internet, but it’s just Twitter (and just Facebook)

4. Do not make any references to pop culture phenomena.  As much as you’d like to make a Twilight joke, let it go

5. Do not call anybody by a nickname in public…especially if it is someone you don’t know and you are referring to something that the person can’t change about herself of himself

6. Assume the microphone is always on.  For that matter, assume that everything you do is being recorded on a Flip camera and will be broadcast on YouTube before you get to the parking lot.

7. Do not use similes.  If you don’t know what a simile is, find out.  Do not compare people to animals.  Do not compare big problems to little things.

8. If you are going to be on camera talking about something, don’t contradict what you’ve said before.  You don’t have to remember it: have one of your staff Google it for you.

9. Do not play sports on camera.  No matter how good you think you are, it will always look like the other people are letting you win.  If you don’t know how to surf/curl/synchronized swim, don’t try it out for the first time with the cameras rolling.

10. Do not talk about food.  Do not go to a restaurant.  Do not eat on camera: it doesn’t look good, and we would prefer to think of you as an ideal.

Oh, and if you do want to get on the news channels in a good way?  Try accomplishing something…I know it’s hard, and they’ll only give you a few seconds for it, but hey, it beats being part of the yearly recap on JibJab.

This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the The Measured Circle blog.

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