SOPCA #1: Taylor Lautner to star as Stretch Armstrong

Signs of the Pop Cultural Apocalypse #1

Taylor Lautner to star as Stretch Armstrong

That’s nothing against Taylor Lautner…I assume he’s a worthy guy.  Hey, I liked Lon Chaney, Jr…I even remember him guest-starring on The Monkees!

It’s just…this seems like taking the toy to movie thing a little far.  What’s next?  Whoopi Goldberg as the eponymous cushion?

Maybe the timing just wasn’t right for me, but I didn’t realize there was a pent up demand for drama du Stretch.  Turns out I might be wrong, though.

First, there is the Stretch Armstrong World website.   I mean, anything that has a website devoted to it must be importa– never mind.

I guess there’s a mythology.  Stretch is the good guy.  Then there were bad guys…Wretch Armstrong, Stretch’s brother.   Clearly, their parents had confused the dictionary with the Baby Name Book.  On the other hand, these were true names of destiny!  There was also a reptilian guy named…Stretch Monster!  Oh, and a dog named (you guessed it), Fetch armstrong.  I suppose they spent the name research budget on corn syrup.

Yes, according to various internet sources (and would could be more authoritative?) that weird stuff inside Stretch was…corn syrup!  Yeah, that must have been some development meeting…”What else can we put in a doll?”  On the other hand, maybe it was one of those accidental discoveries…some chemist accidentally spilling a bottle of corn syrup on their kid’s Barbie doll?  Anyway, this leads to a likely indisputed claim at SAW:

The Original One and Only
Corn Syrup Filled Action Figures
 

Yeah, I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of horses in that derby. 😉

So, is this some super-low budget, direct-to-download studio that bought the rights for a hundred bucks and a pair of those souvenier Winter Olympics mittens?

Nope, this is a major movie.  It’s written by Steve Oedekerk, scribe of the Jim Carrey hit, Bruce Almighty, and the Thumb movies (like Thumb Wars).  He also starred in Kung Pow!, and will reprise his role of The Chosen One in Tongue of Fury.

The movie’s producer is one of the most successful in Hollywood: Brian Grazer.  He’s been nominated for four Oscars, winning for A Beautiful Mind.  That seems like a natural progression, right?  Schizophrenic Nobel Prize-winning economist to…corn-syrup filled action figure.

Oh, and did you even have to ask?  It’s being made in 3D…

Ladies and gentlemen, some respect, please…I got through this entire thing without saying “It’s a stretch” even once. 😉

This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the The Measured Circle blog.

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